Grief

We all face grief at some point or the other in life. It is inevitable. Grief is an emotion that in some sense we are an hostage to. Why because its origins are in love, belonging, a sense of fortune if one can say that. We are in a sense a hostage to the love we have for things, people, society, the country and many more things. It is the identification of our self with the external that results in the attachment. The Buddha before he became one tried to analyse the reasons of grief and the end result is that he gave humanity a new philosophy and religion. I don’t have that capability nor do i wish another philosophy on humanity. The ones we have are enough to cause war for another millennia or more. However there is truth in the notion that we are hostages that appear to go through the motions when something we desire and identify with changes. 

The long sleep is inevitable; everything that has a start has an end. Everyone knows this truth but willingly wants to avoid the implications of this. I was very young (12/13 years old) when the implications of this truth were thrust in front of me and I had no place to hide. The classical way of handling grief is to subscribe to the notion that people go through four stages - Denial, anger, depression and acceptance. it’s not that easy in my book and experience. I did not deny, I was angry and then there was acceptance and if one asked me today that singular instance is just a foot note in my life so far. Sounds harsh and cruel but with time all I remember is the few unforgettable instances out of so many with the other person I lost so many years ago.  Cicero a Roman skeptic and philosopher said “the key to consolation is to get rid of the person’s belief that mourning is something he ought to do, something just and appropriate”. On the other hand Seneca a stoic starts with acknowledging the loss and anguish. He then looks to ways to restore calm and decorum: “I am sorry your friend Flaccus has passed away, but I want you not to grieve excessively.” He makes clear what he means: “Not grieve at all. That I will not venture to ask of you such firmness of mind belongs only to the person who has risen high above misfortune.” Perhaps that sentiment is one of a sage. However a sage too will feel distress: “And even he will feel a twinge at something like this, but only a twinge. As for us, we may be forgiven our tears, if there are not too many, and if we do regain control.” It is an emotional scar from the past.

Grief Is an indication of attachment. Attachment is for sure a vulnerability. It is also the reason and key of resilience, progress and being called human. It’s been a tough couple of months for my extended family. 

C